I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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