We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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