why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
