yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
