if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
