Having a random hookup so left but love u
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
