threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
