Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
