Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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