Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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