If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
