What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
When are your genitals available?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
