Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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