meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
