Princesses don't give blow jobs
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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