i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
