if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
