I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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