It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I've blown a few things in my day
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
