DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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