Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
