i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
