Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
