I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
