All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I woke up under a house in Key West
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
