No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
