I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
