Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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