I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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