You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
