I must be too annoying 4 u.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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