The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
