I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
