Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize