Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
