garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
