I wish life had little blips of pornography
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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