What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Pants are for mortals
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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