I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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