On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
