Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
