i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
