Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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