I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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