I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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