you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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