My room smells like vodka and shame
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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