the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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