I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
