i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
