Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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