You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
