yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I looked at my own cervix.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
