Welp...herpes.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
