When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
