Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
