Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
