Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
