will power is for people who don't want to get laid
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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