it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
