Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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